Requiem for NAP.
Looks like LJ's done hosting NAP just for, well, Brian i guess, since Sierra won't go there since Nicole posted, and i really can't post and honestly tell myself that some part of me want her to see it; wants her to be hurt that i'm still me without her, wants her to know that i haven't forgotten, wants her to know how much i hate her for loving me, or hate her for not loving me.
it hurts me to think about her.
it hurts those i love.
but it doesn't hurt her.
i think that's what i hate the most.
That i turned her from someone i loved into someone i hate. i just wrote all about that, but i deleted it. i'm not going to hurt anyone with this anymore.
Hopefully NAP will be the last link. The chains of those memories are gone now.

Work didn't suck as much today, and i got the sweetest call from Sierra!
i checked my messages on my ten-minute break, and there was this uber-nice message from her, and i just started laughing and crying, because that was just what i needed (Unlike some people i could name, i take ONE break when i'm totally burned out and NEED one...), And one of my co-workers, who was on break too, wa
s all "Oh no, did you get some bad news? i guess the way i was smiling and laughing looked like sobbing, so everyone freaked out. i get the feeling they all think i'm a really weird kid...
Whatever.
i did closing today, which meant take out the trash and do the dishes, but that was cool, it was like Loaves and Fishes all over again.
i'm getting the hang of sandwich bar, and i'm learning not to second-guess myself on abbreviations.
That's not to say i'm not making mistakes or asking for help, i am. A lot.
i still have a long way to go.
Then i went to dinner with Georgia and Sally and their aunt Suzie (Nadene's grandkids and youngest daughter), at Mimi's Cafe, which was crap. Imagine a TGIF themed like New Orleans. Eew.
And it didn't help that my throat is still sore, and it hurts to swallow at all, much less swallow food; then mom constantly worrying. i can't stand it. "What are you going to have?" "i don't know yet." "Are you going to have the chicken?" "i don't know." Are you going to have a sandwich?" "Stop it, don't do this. Please." And then she's all hurt, but nothing stays in her mind for long anyway. Not outwardly at least. She got just a little more sure that i hate her and was smiling ten minutes later.
i think i might be getting sick.
My throat hurts still, i think a tonsil is swollen and i had a fever at the restaurant. i don't know if the headaches are that, or not eating enough, or dehydration, or sleep deprivation. Damn. That looks really bad once i write it down. Maybe all that's why i'm sick. "A joint-causal statement" rather than a mere "Coincidental occurence" or "Real but minimal cause", as Professor Holden would say. Occam's Norelco and all that.

Sierra.
i'm so hot, but i'm shivering.
And your warm hand is cool on my face.
My throat is sore and raw, but thinking of your breath and mine makes it feel like new.
There's a galloping in my head, and the world sounds to harsh and painful.
But your voice sounds like rainwater in a creek.
And this is how my body tells me in a whisper what my soul sings in a voice like a bell.

i love you Sierra.

Courtesy.




- posted by Third @ 10:58 PM