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i have patented all of my friends, with the help of The Surrealist*.

Princess Smurfie is a teddybear that plays the theme from Steptoe and Son! It can be used by the whole family and increases your sex appeal.
Lenny is a fizzy drink that sorts your mail, can disable electrical hardware and hovers three feet from the ground.
Cody is a letter-opener that comes in seven different colours, pushes things down staircases and can extinguish fires.
Dana is a fishpond that sings comical songs! It contains alcohol.
Brian is a rubber fish! It recharges itself at night!
Spunky is a hi-fi that hums incessantly! It speaks with the voice of James Earl Jones.
Nick is a vacuum cleaner that spins about its axis! It folds out into a tent.
Dali is a sticky label that's built and maintained by tiny nano-robots and comes with a variety of coloured fascias.
Ostermiller is a hole-punch that can be used to deter muggers and plays light music.
David (All of them) is a fridge magnet! It looks bigger than it really is!

Courtesy.

*i submitted absolutely no original ideas, all ideas came from The Surrealist's random product generator. After generating brilliant ideas for products, i shamelessly stole them and replaced the product's name with one of my friends' or relatives'.