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A small list to reassure everyone i know this evening.
i've long presumed that the life i was leading was one of a well-mannered, if somewhat existential, hero.
Even after long discussing it with people like Mortimer Khan, today was the first day it actually occured to me that mine might be the role of the villan.
Looked at that way, it all makes so much more sense:
My love of irony
My penchant for witty remarks at the expense of the oblivious
My intellectual side, channeled for no real cause, but rather for my numerous hairbrained schemes, few of which are ever brought to fruition
My intolerance of failure in those i see as inferiors
My tendancy to, against all odds, survive and face the same antagonists time and time again...

i could go on all night.

So, in light of this recent epiphany, i've compiled a list to assure that i do not fall into the habits of the classic villan, who is always so foolish objectively. A sort of "Do and Don't" list to keep me from meeting their ineveitable fates at the hands of the heroes. Here we go:

1: i will NEVER build my lair anywhere in orbit, at sea, or underground. It will not be powered by nuclear reactors, a hydro-powered turbine dam, or lava. Instead, i will make my lair somewhere easily escapable that cannot possibly be exploded without harming innocents. Like an appartment, or a suburban home.
2: i will ALWAYS start my evil plan at least an hour early. This ensures that if the hero shows up just in time to throw a wrench in the works, he will only find that he's an hour late. i bet they hate that.
3: If i ever manage to capture my arch nemesis, i will kill him simply, quickly, and without a touch of flair. i will UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, bind him, explain my entire evil plot, then leave him for dead.
4: i will NOT send henchman after henchman after the hero in progressively harder waves. Instead, i will either have him audited by the IRS, or alternately send hundreds upon thousands of small pack hunting animals, such as rats or bees.
5: If i EVER need to actually send a REAL henchman after the hero, i will NOT give him ANYTHING that could prove useful to the hero should the henchman be defeated. This includes, but is not limited to, incredible empowered weapons, impenatrable armor, and powerful sources of magic. My henchmen will carry bags with staving, rabid badgers and greek fire in them instead.
6: That legendary sword you've heard of that is the only way to truly banish me to the afterlife? Yeah, the sword in the topmost tower or dankest basement of my lair is a COPY. The real one is grafted into my spine, thanks.
7: i will not ever kill any member of the hero's family, nor any elderly teacher. If the elderly teacher tries to fight me, i will decline, and force him into a game of Risk, or some other contest i can surely win without harming him or myself.
8: i will tell the hero that i am his/her father ONLY at a crucial moment in battle, whether i am or not, and will immediately exploit his/her stunned reaction by lopping his/her head off.
9: i will NEVER dismiss ANY member of the hero's party as "harmless."
10: i will ALWAYS use my huge, super powerful one shot only uber-strike NOT to chip away at the hero's armor, but rather to utterly annhialate the party's healer.

If i think of any more, there will be an edit to this list.

Courtesy.