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There are some nights i feel like i didn't get over all the stuff i put in me. By that i man ALL of it; not just the chemicals, but the music; the emotion; the fiction and the prose. Nights when you look around on the freeway and suddenly you're doing ninety miles an hour and asking yourself "Where the hell AM i?" Usually this happens to me at night; and i think it's something to do with a combination of dusk, music and having all the windows down in the car. Nights when trees look like smoke and signs look like people and you get off the freeway wondering what burned down, and thinking what a stupid place that is for that guy to stand. Nights when your eyes tear up driving past the Wonderbread factory, because it just smells so RIGHT. The sort of nights when you get that creepy sensation that you're just a spectator for a while; watching a movie of someone else living the life you thought was yours. The disconnected feeling that if the car ahead of you stopped, and there was some huge pileup, it'd all just be an exercise, and you'd get another shot at it tomorrow. That sort of night when you lie on your floor, talking on the phone and you slowly teach yourself synesthesia. These are the kind of nights that make me crave shirts from Goth 'n Go; specifically the one (Black, naturally) that proclaims in simple, plain but bitingly satirical letters: "Role Model."
The Wellborn is a sporadic columnist for The White Room; often contributing his opinions and personal pieces in stream of consciousness prose. Other contributions include "Why i Love Won't Destroy Your Life," "And Furthermore, How DARE You?" "Everything You Were Afraid To Find Out About Your Parents But Were Ultimately Forced To By Their Personality Problems," and a weekly column called "Now You Just Listen Here, You Little…" The Wellborn can be found in California, Italy and England, but usually wherever Smurfie, his high school sweetheart is. The Wellborn and Smurfie, a budding artist, are happily involved with changing each other's lives, and live with their families in Sacramento, CA.
Furthermore...
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Well, as promised, here we have a response to Brian's blog entry, courtesy of what John would refer to as "The Bleeding Heart Liberal" of the group. If, for whatever reason, you do not intend to read this post with an open mind, stop here. If you can briefly examine your soul, and you find that really, nothing i personally have to say is going to change your opinion on romanticism, the door is right over there, and more than suggest it, i demand using it. i'm expressing these opinions so we all know where i stand, and because i'm frankly troubled by how disillusioned some of my friends seem to be about the subjects of love, affection, sex and relationships. i am not going to be shy about this. As Brian wrote to me almost a year ago, "You're hardly forgetful. Nor subtle, in most cases." he also added, "Your past, assuredly, has shaped you in ways totally foreign to the unthinking or innocent. Never doubt the value of that." These are words that resonated with me in a profound way, and ones i took to heart as soon as i read them. i will not entertain any debate on the post coming after this header. None. This is what i have to contribute, and as they constitute an opinion, i do not consider it up for debate. As far as i am concerned, these words are gospel. i understand that this sounds like a double-standard, But i would argue truth is not necessarily reflexive. Some of you will read this post and say it is naive. i would answer that uncomplicated, common sense truths always sound naive to a jaded cynic. Open up, and maybe it will sound more like plain simplicity.
Without further ado:
"For the longest time, I bought into the Romantic glorification of falling in love."
Oh wow. i could write a novel on this, but instead, i'm going to bite my tongue and mutter something about quality of living... Granted, few people find love easily, and i'm convinced that most of them are looking for it in the wrong places. From what i've seen and experienced, romantic love can only come from someone who really, truly knows you. No mean feat for most of us in this group, social chameleons that we are. It's no coincidence that the exact same act, that is: opening yourself and letting someone see who you really are, can either make you the subject of intensely painful rebuke, derision and criticism or attract someone who genuinely likes who you are and loves you above all else. It is this vulnerability, i am convinced, that makes so many people just give up. Making yourself this vulnerable to someone is not something we as people do easily, and it's something we specifically as a group of friends don't do even at gunpoint. Unfortunately, i don't think there's any easier way to find someone who will actually love you. Looking for love from anyone who gives you affection is absolute folly.
"I have found in a scant few years of mixed romantic experiences that feelings, even strong mutual feelings, fluctuate."
This is called adolescence. Things get better.
In all seriousness, the biggest problem i've found with relationships is that people tend to do two things in them that cause mixed emotions between the two. One is that they constantly test limits. Limits of affection, limits of love (These two ARE different), limits of trust, limits of respect, the list goes on. To some degree, this is part of the process of feeling out boundaries with someone, and we all do it in any relationship: familial, platonic, business or otherwise. The big problem with this is that people who do not have a healthy respect for or good sense of the other person's feelings often go too far, and it doesn't take much past the line to leave someone feeling like an emotional amputee. The other trait people seem to express often is a tendency toward competition in a relationship. Competition can mean many things in this case, but i think anyone reading this post can think of at least one example on their own. i'm still dealing with this issue right now myself, so i'm unsure if any level of competition is healthy or not, but once again it becomes an issue of responsibility, care and sensitivity.
All traits most people associate with love. Interesting.
"So why base a relationship on something so inconsistent? Or a marriage?"
In my opinion, it's worth it.
Go ahead and read that again. i'll wait.
This is what i have to say about this: If you find someone you care about, you have feelings for, you share affections with, you truly like as a person and want to see be happy, you will follow a few courses. First, you will ride through some lows, because the highs, and even the standard, mean that much to you. You will find that you like who you are with this person so much that you will put up with their occasional mood swing, and you will work not to smooth things over, but to open yourself and your partner even more than you were before as a result of a conflict, and as a result, you will emerge from dark times with a deeper understanding of your partner, and a respect for them you had not previously imagined. If, on the other hand, the good feelings you have for a person do not outweigh the problems you have with the relationship, move on. If you're inclined to answer "easier said than done" to this, you need to reevaluate, it sounds like your feelings for that person are stronger than you thought. This is something i wish more people would simply do with more aspects of their life than just romantic relationships. If what something puts you through outweighs what you get out of it, stop.
"Marriage has lost its meaning, as far as some people are concerned. It's a promise that's almost expected to be broken."
Some people wrap all their earthly belongings in aluminum foil. Some people believe people on the radio are addressing them personally, some people choose not to control their own renal functions. Some people don't vote.
This serves to show that some people should not be used to justify ignoring what should be inviolable common sense. Simply because some people do it, should a person capable of behaving better abuse himself? Of course not.
"I would suggest that this is because so many couples expected to stay in love forever. No one told them that it doesn't work that way."
Sometimes it doesn't work that way. Sometimes it does. Again, if nothing else will sway you, run a cost-benefit analysis. My opinion here is that people simply rush into marriage. People marry as a sort of "Obligatory Fiftieth Date" or something. On the other hand, if you truly believe that it is impossible for two people to love each other forever, what's even keeping you alive? Why hasn't the utter despair killed you? You should be in a dark corner with a broken glass, writing terrible poetry in a fake velvet cape. In ten years, you'll have a desk job, and you'll be over it.
"More and more often, I realize that central aspects of the world around me are dysfunctional. I think the very institution of dating may be one of them, as we're expected to approach it."
Where the hell was i when they passed out the 'here's how society expects you to approach intimacy with the opposite sex' handbook? Dysfunctional as it may be, it might have saved me from numerous meaningless relationships, and lots of self-loathing.
"I'm in the process of formulating an... alternate approach."
Bravo. This is the best thing i've read this entire post. I choose to believe the two perfunctory, vague and shallow sentences before this one were simply to set this sentiment up to happen. Thank you for redeeming those last two sentences.
"It will involve lots of prayer, a philosophical discussion or two I'm sure, and much reading of the Bible."
Oooookay.
If that works for you, i wish you the best. Do not be surprised by what it gets you if it doesn't, however. On second thought, don't be surprised what it gets you either way.
"Sure, I'll still fall in love from time to time, but I intend to have an entirely different reaction. The romantic in me is protesting loudly, but he's had his say in the past."
a good thought, although powerful self-restraint is probably not the best tool for sharing yourself with someone else.
"I think it's time for something new."
i... couldn't find anything wrong with this sentence.
"The article puts forth the radical ideas that dating is an artificial construct"
Liam puts forth the radical idea that so is a stratified society, but you don't see people leaping back to nomadic hunting and gathering.
"for a successful marriage, commitment is a higher priority even than love."
i would compare this to suggesting that nuclear proliferation and deterrence is the best way to advocate peace. Certainly, it will work, but it's just poised to go wrong. If you don't love someone, what happens to all the good parts about spending the rest of your life with them? You could take out an indenture policy and get the same things out of it, plus you'd even get paid. It wasn't until Lenny put forward the idea of arranged political marriages that i had anything good to say about anything even resembling this idea.
i'm going to go hide now until this blows over.
