"i'm sorry, i just feel like shit, i haven't slept in days, i want drugs, i feel very alone and paranoid and afraid of my life."
-Liam Powers, 10:40pm; 3/20/03

i love you so much, Sierra.
Please tell me this is real. Please tell me it's all true.
i'm just so afraid you're going to go away from me someday.
i don't know why, but i've heard all the reasons
"i don't know you anymore" "You're not the guy i fell in love with" "We've both changed so much"
all that.
Please Sierra.
i'm so scared.
i just want to hold you and be held and know that everything's okay.
That everything's going to be okay.

Courtesy.
- posted by Third @ 10:44 PM (0) comments

 
Smurfie,
i miss you. A lot. i think about you non-stop.

In my mind, right now, i'm with you, not alone in my room.

i'm holding your hand.
i'm touching your hair.
i'm kissing your cheek.

i'm whispering in your ear what i'm trying to say with

every move i make,
every thought
and touch
and word.

Saying what i hear when i listen to every sound my heart makes.

Telling you the words to the song my soul sings
as it will for nothing
and noone
else in the world:

i love you, Sierra.

Courtesy.

- posted by Third @ 12:32 AM (0) comments

 
WHAT
THE
FCUK.
Here i thought i was having a good day.
Then i check NAP.
And ruin my evening.
No, that's not fair; nothing could make today any less incredible for me, but god, that really did give me a jerk.
i mean, i just saw it maybe five minutes ago now, and i still feel like somebody's hit me.
my teeth are clenched, my muscles are loose, my heart's beating slower, my breathing's deeper, i can feel the adrenaline dilating my blood vessels and my pupils.
If her life's so great, why does she need to post?
Does she think she's rubbing something in my face?
If so, What?
That i chose Sierra over her?
Right.
God, i'm worked up; i'm not thinking straight.
i might not even publish this.
Oh jesus, i just started crying. i still don't get used to the feeling of it; i still think my eyes are bleeding. i don't need this. Why doesn't it do what i tell it anymore? i don't need this stress. ShutupshutupyouremeatyoudonttalkshutupshutupSHUTUP!
Another thing i have you to thank for, Nicole. i didn't need to cry before you.
You were so much to me as a friend, and you made yourself nothing as a fling.
You were someone i could talk to, now you're Miss 29. How does that feel?
And worst of all, i've lost so much.
i love how she says "i didn't do anything".
Nicole, i could still like you, if you hadn't fcuking knifed me right in the back the second i told you that i couldn't not tell Sierra what happened.
"Why can't this just be between us? Why do you have to tell her? She'll never know if you don't" went to "He raped me, Stephen" in less than a day; and i'm supposed to ever trust you again? No. Not acceptable. i could have accepted that it was a confusing night, that a lot of things were strange and there was a lot going on. That night, i honestly believed that i could be in love with both of you. That if i really, honestly loved both of you, unconditionally, and you both loved me, that it could be okay. i honestly thought "If it really is love, how can it be wrong?" But it wasn't, was it? Was it some sort of conquest to you, Nicole? Here's this guy you like and admire but who can't be totally yours, so you break what's there? i honestly thought everything i said and did that night meant something, but when you just knock it face down in the dirt like that, that's something you can never take back. The time for thinking of how much you would miss talks in the rain was during the brief hours it took you to jump between those two states.
And now this is what it is to be an animal, Nicole. i can never trust you again.

What am i doing?
It's a waste of time.
She'll never read this. She'll never know. All i'm doing is fraying my nerves and opening the wound all over again.
Enough of this.
i love you, Sierra. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.
You're the most important person in my life.
Courtesy.
- posted by Third @ 1:41 AM (0) comments

 
All right: Checking in for today...

i got to see Smurfie!
WOW did that ever make MY week!
Okay. Important highlights today:
-Dana Parker has decided on "Cucumber" As a name for her newest little Hamster friend. (As in "cool as a...", in juxtaposition to her last one: Tweak (Rest in Peace)
-"According to a 1991 Kinsey Institute report, a passionate kiss burns 6.4 calories per minute, which means an hour-and-a-half makeout session (what my Texan friend calls "heavy mugging down") will burn off a Big Mac" -Nerve.com, 3/16/03
i hope my girlfriend saw that, give her a positive outlet for all that stressing she does over her weight (Which is next to nothing, i might add...)
-A wonderful lunch in the best company i've had in probably years for a lunch date. And so much fun. Man, i need to find a day when it's okay to do that with the ketchup...
-i think Leisel's mad at me; i get the feeling Sierra bit her harder than i had intended. Mayber her too. Leisel is kinda fragile... we gotta be careful wit her.
-BEST DAY IN WEEKS!! HOURS WITH JUST ME AND SMURFIE!!! HAPPY+++!!! I AM SO LUCKY TO BE IN LOVE!!! Today i thought to myself in passing, as we were just hanging out, being together "This is better than being high", and i MEANT it! Looking back on that thought, which didn't mean that much then, makes me really proud of how far i've come.

Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience. i would like to conclude with a poem...

My spell was weak
but it worked
When she slipped
her tongue in my mouth

that girl was more me than I.
Her hair smelled like Ohio
and her fingertips like Missouri.

Ignorant as lightning
her cat watched
with cold suffering eyes

and I mistook
my voice for hers
because it gasped in disbelief.
"The Blue House By The River" -D. Nurkse

Thank you, and good evening. Help yourselves to some refreshments.
Remember: Exit Smiling...
Courtesy.

- posted by Third @ 12:04 AM (0) comments

 
my life could end today and i would feel complete
you bring me so much joy, its hard to see how i can be so happy
i wake to happy thoughts
i think happily all day
i fall dreamily into the dark with you on my mind
how could i ever ask for someone more than you?
you are my everything and i wouldnt give you up for anything
somehow, as i breathe, i feel you all around
when im scared i can almost touch you
i can hear you wisper in my ears
childish memories of 'that one' that one that when youre all grow-ed up, you fall in love with and never let go
stars shine brigher through my eyes as if you pollished them
my heart races at the smell of you
my fingers crave the way your hair feels about them
but most of all i just wanted to tell you how much ilove you and that no matter what i will always love you
and no matter how hard you try to get rid of me ill still be here
standing benith the light
hair rustling in the wind
tears of hope and joy clinched in my eyes
and ill be here until you take my hand and we walk or do whatever
what ever it is that you do when you love someone so much that it makes you cry
what ever you do when the mere smell of them triggers a jump in your pulse
and what ever two people do when they cant even understand how much they love eachother let alone how much the other feels for them.

Yes Sir, this is officially my faorite poem.
i love you so much, Sierra.
- posted by Third @ 4:48 PM (0) comments