NEWS FROM THE WHITE ROOM
8.16.2004
 

-43


This last has been a week of personal revelation for me.

Yestreday i went rafting, and i learned about my tendancies regarding loss. After re-entering the raft after my first dip, i realized that i had not, as i'd thought, put my phone in my dry-bag. Instead, i'd left it in my pocket. If you've been trying to call me, i'm not just ignoring you. i also learned some things about comfort levels with friends in isolated groups. i'm sure none of you who read this (unless maybe Emily's reading) has been to a sunken party, but it's something i really like, and if you've got the right people in on it, it's a great time. Of course, it can go terribly wrong if you've got the wrong people, or even the wrong time, but i digress. i dealt with the loss of my phone with my usual pragmatism: "It's dead, Jim." and that was it. There will be other phones, i'm sure. i do regret losing the numbers in it, but anyone in that phone that i want to talk to has another way of getting a hold of me anyways, so it's a good way to weed out the people i wasn't talking to anyways.
My other loss was my prayer-bead bracelet that i got while in China, at a very sacred Buddhist site. i looked down during the evening and noticed that it was not on my wrist. Again, pragmatism ruled, and i simply accepted that it was gone, and that there was no amount of regret that would bring it back. i learned later that one of my favorite feelings is finding something that i've given up hope of ever seeing again, as i must have taken it off to read; it was on my desk.

Today was the first day of school. The usual hijinks ensued.
i was appalled this evening, as usual, by what a complete and utterly insensitive and hurtful person i can be, without even trying, or worse, without even noticing. While i tend to notice later (or else never at all), and feel very badly, it always feels still like too little too late. Although i'm trying to be better about this, and although i hate doing it, i would urge you not to tell me when you notice me doing it. With full knowledge of my own tendencies, i can tell you already that there is an excellent chance of me just feeling that you're acting self-important and judgemental, and that i'll only get more defensive, and even less pleasant to be around, at you in particular. i can't guarantee that you won't just snap me out of it, but i also can't guarantee that you won't fuel the fire, and i'd rather have less to feel guilty about.
My last realization came today (though i didn't know it at the time), and later this evening. i realized that, in the sense of a place where one can truly relax and let one's guard down without fear of being hurt, in all possible senses of the words, when i think of Home, i think of Lenny's house. This only accentuates what i've known for some time now, in order to have the best possible relationship with my mother and her partner, i cannot live with them at this stage in my life. i know that the problem is mostly me, and it's because of the adolescent phase that i'm in, but it doesn't change that it's true, and it doesn't make it any easier.

Courtesy.



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